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When Bill Cooks for Bill – Bill’s Side

March 4, 2013

So there I am, Tuesday night, waiting for Patrick to get home to make me a quick dinner. Tuesday’s, I perform improv comedy at Boston’s Improv Asylum in the North End at 8 PM, so Pat gets home and prepares something quick so I can make my early call time. However, this night, he is nowhere to be found. At about ten past six, my phone rings. It’s Patrick.

“Hey, I am driving up to Nashua tonight to drop off some old stuff we don’t need in the apartment at my parent’s house.”

“Um, so what am I supposed to do for dinner, Pat?!”

“Relax, I’m going to walk you through a simple recipe to make a sandwich for yourself.”

“A sandwich? Who do you think I am, Wolfgang Puck? I’ll never pull it off” – I was exasperated at this point.

“Listen, you can do this, I will walk you through it, OK?”

I had to trust him, what other option did I have? Starve? I can’t perform on an empty stomach. Plus, I had spent hundreds of dollars on Patrick’s outrageous ingredient list so it would be a crime to go a night without enjoying it. I gave in, I was going to be “cooking” for Bill on this evening.

What followed was admittedly a fairly simple process; in fact I’m sure that monkeys do achieve it on a regular basis in the wild. In any case, I had to take out the toaster (well, find the toaster, then take it out), toast a bagel, spread cream cheese on both sides, then wasabi sauce on both sides (What?!). Next I had to take a cucumber and skin it, clean it, and slice it vertically. I placed the slices on one side of the bagel. Finally, I took out a package of smoked salmon that we had purchased on our Sunday evening shopping excursion. I took as Pat described it, “a good amount of salmon,” and topped off the other side of the bagel. Once combining the two sides to make a sandwich, the meal was complete.

“Tell me how it tast…” Pat started. I hung up on him. I had no need for him anymore.

To his credit, the meal did taste pretty damn good. I would NEVER expect those ingredients to combine so well, but they did. And I had a pretty decent show, which I will attribute at least partially to the dinner that I made myself! (With Pat’s patient assistance.)

Fin.

-Bill

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