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Where are the Damn Onions? Multi-Tasking at Shaw’s

April 15, 2013

I may not be a cook, which is why this blog is at all successful, but one thing I can do is shop. I can shop with the best of them. If there was an Olympic category for shopping, I’d get the Bronze medal in 2016, no doubt. I would imagine that event to begin at the entrance to a store, with a budget of $25 you would have to get 10 ingredients from various parts of the store, not normal stuff but weird stuff like Q-noa and lentils. It would be a timed race of course, and I would KILL it.

Anyway, I’m getting off track here. I am a great shopper. In fact, old ladies preparing Thanksgiving meals for their entire extended families have NOTHING on my shopping ability. When we get next to each other in line, I make their carts look like they had pushed them through a McDonald’s drive-through at 3 am and taken whatever was about to get thrown away. That is to say, I only get the BEST ingredients, and I do it efficiently, effectively, and on budget. But I’m getting off track again.

I am a fantastic shopper. Many times pedestrians stop me in the store to inquire about how I was able to fit so much kale into such a tiny bag, or why the organic chicken breast I am purchasing only costs me $3.47. I try to spend time with these fans, but it can be overwhelming when I am in a hurry, so sometimes I have to brush them away. But again, I am getting off track.

The point is that I am an incredibly amazing shopper. I am so sophisticated now, that I have admittedly become complacent in my shopping activity. Last week, I was in the store, and I only had to shop for a few supplemental items. We had run out of meat, but had a good deal of vegetables still, so I wanted to pick up some sausage, some chicken, and some pork. On my way to the store, Patrick shot me a text asking if I could grab some onions as well (his favorite ingredient of anything he uses). Of course I obliged, and fully intended on this 5 minute shopping trip going off without  a hitch.

Well, as I walked into the store Colleen gave me a call to say what-up, and I fielded the call knowing that my mind didn’t need to be really present for this visit. As we talked about how baller we both is, I rounded up the meats and headed to the self-checkout line since I only had 6 or 7 things in my basket (Side note: Going to a self-checkout when you have 20 different individually packaged vegetables is a HORRIBLE idea, but for this trip it worked. Just something I’ve learned..). At this point I was getting a bit flustered, so I let Colleen go in order to focus on the task at hand. I finished the process, then I remembered I was forgetting something! Like a bolt of white (onion) lightning, I knew Patrick would be furious if I didn’t provide his favorite ingredient, so, leaving the station with my items check-out, I ran back to the produce section to grab three onions. I quickly bagged them and sprinted back to the check-out kiosk, fortunately no one had taken my things and the machine was asking me politely if I wanted to continue the transaction. Why yes, machine, I do. Thank you for asking. I rung up the onions, and proceeded to the payment phase. At which point I realized, I had left my wallet in the car. I had taken it out to pay for a parking garage downtown, and it was resting in my cup-holder. Well, running to get onions was one thing, but having to leave the store to get my wallet would be an entirely more daunting adventure. But I had no choice. I sprinted out of Shaw’s to my car, fumbled through unlocking the doors and grabbed my wallet. I then sprinted all the way back inside, causing a commotion as I entered. There was a worker, presuming I had left, taking my items away to put them back, but as I came around the corner another employee, like out of a movie, yelled to her (In my mind this happened in slow motion), “He’s BACK!”

Damn right I was! I halted the removal process, and finished my transaction. Though the adventure took me nearly 30 minutes, and forced me into an unwarranted workout, it was further proof of my amazing shopping ability. I can overcome ANY obstacle, including robot cashiers and missing money! Above is a picture of me at the check-out captured by a random man. I look like a black woman in the pic for some reason.

*Disclaimer, that is not me, nor do I own the rights to that image.

-Fin

Bill

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